Loaded at midnight

Rum. My friend, my savior. I'm drunk, so who knows what this blog will turn out like. I don't know even where to begin, except to say I've never felt so alone (except once about 20 years ago when I crawled under my house around dusk to drag two of my cats out from their deathbeds, killed by dogs put into my yard over the 4 foot chainlink fence by young men intent on getting the white woman out who was fighting against their drug dealing.)

I'm listening to the x ambassador's song "Renegades" over and over and over because . . . I don't know why. It comforts me somehow. I don't know why this is important, but it is to me.

Everything at work has blown up. My little family of 6 librarians and 1 library associate is disintegrating. Two gone, one in a fit of rage at all the ugly changes going on, one more to leave next month, two possibly leaving in the next month or so, and then there were two, separated by different desk assignments -- not that that matters since we're not supposed to be at our work desks anymore, only the public service desks. I'm not going to go into all the details - suffice it to say that my work life is chaotic and stressful and disruptive -- not what I would expect a librarian job to be like at all.

And during all this turmoil, I suddenly woke up one morning to see no future for myself. Usually, I'm full of dreams and possible plans and what-ifs, but now there is nothing. Nothing at all. I wonder if this is because I'm going to die soon. Why have dreams of the future if there is no future? Part of me welcomes death - let's just get this life drudgery over with already. The other part that wants to live says no, things will get better. And then I laugh, and cry, and drink rum. And what's doubly depressing is the gargantuan school loan I have for graduate school for a profession I should never have wandered into. This school loan chokes me, weighs me down, saddens me. I made a mistake, a very, very, very expensive mistake. I know - I made my bed, now lay in it. But if I have no future, do I really have to keep going? What's the point?

I need more rum to obliterate all my thinking because I never get anywhere with it anyway. Just go with the flow, I guess, even if it's taking me over a 1000-foot waterfall. Fly away, little girl, just fly away.


Stolen from the internet

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