jumble girl

i wrote a whole diatribe about the ugliness and inequities crashing around on this planet, but it doesn't matter. i deleted it. nothing really changes. human beings hunt and kill for no other reason than to kill, animal and human. wild predators kill to eat, even if what they kill are the babies of another animal. humans race around their home towns because they gotta get there five seconds sooner. not too many people feel the rhythm of the Earth, listen to its voice, be soothed by its quietness. 

it seems everyone wants to get back to "normal." i don't think "normal" was so great to begin with. there has to be more to life than just running from here to there, from there to here. i'm starting to wonder if what i'm feeling is the call of the wild. is that what this restlessness is? this disquiet? i have always felt like a round ball trying to fit into a tiny square. now it feels as if this pandemic has allowed me to expand my . . . consciousness? soul? life? i don't know, but where i am right this minute is not where i was and i don't want to go back to where i was. but where do i go now? that is my struggle. i am more me now than i have been in a long time or maybe forever. perhaps it's because i am finally allowing me to be me, without apologies, without panic, without kicking myself to the curb. i am a sensitive and creative person, always have been although i have valiantly tried to stomp on that person. i don't know why. and does it matter? 

i look forward to beginning my new journey. i just hope i don't stall at the crossroads between what was because it's comfortable and what will be because it's an unknown. i sincerely hope that i won't be too scared to follow the road less traveled. maybe Robert Frost will hold my hand.