Walkin' on down the road
I don't understand how to be in this world. I don't seem to fit in. Every time I take a "personality" test for a prospective job I don't even get an invitation for an interview. Thanks, but no thanks. Am I weird or something? Well, I do like to watch TV shows about murders, missing people, and what makes serial killers tick. But I also like food-based programs like Beat Bobby Flay, Nailed It!, and The Great British Baking Show; and series like Virgin River, Longmire, The Zoo, and Dr. Jeff: Rocky Mountain Vet. So, am I weird?
Everyone I know is so stable -- with spouses for decades, living in the same house for decades, working at the same job for decades. And then there's me, always jumping off cliffs, hoping I'll survive what's coming at me -- no preparation, no thought -- just jump. And so I wind up wandering in the desert, trying to find a way in the grasping sands, with no directions, no plan, no food and water. Why do I do this?
I counted how many homes I've lived in since I was born (that I remember or know about): 9 homes by the time I was 18 and about 20 homes since then. And still I want to move on. Never married, no children, just a handful of significant others. But cats -- oh yes, cats. So many cats have come into my life and so many have left. I'm officially the crazy cat lady. Don't go looking for them; they find me and I will not let anyone starve to death when they come "knocking on my door." Just crazy in more ways than one.
And money. I don't have a good relationship with money. It comes but mostly it goes, and it's not because I'm driving a Porsche, traveling to fancy destinations, wearing designer clothes, living in a big house with a swimming pool. Of course, constantly jumping off a cliff without a plan doesn't help. I'm thinking part of me is a vagabond, the other part is a restless homebody. I don't know why I can't be stable like everyone I know (except for one friend who is even more restless than me). I'm beginning to understand, after all this millennia of living, that I need to embrace who I am, stop wailing about it, and welcome the person who is me. So, I flunk personality tests. Big deal. It shouldn't define my life. What it means is I don't fit into their square holes. And what I need to do is find my own way, even if it's wading through sand, even if I don't fit in. It's scary, but when I think about it, I've been going my own way for forever, so now I'm just going to do it consciously.
I say this today. We'll see what happens tomorrow. I have a tendency to go gung-ho and then falter at the starting gate. But what am I waiting for? Just do it, Nike Girl!
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