Should I Say It?

There's a theory that if you don't say something out loud, then it can't truly claim you. So I wonder....

Well, I'm going to say it out loud -- Here goes:

I have been diagnosed with breast cancer. I know it's real because I have a pink umbrella given to me by Clarence, the man coordinating the county/state breast and cervical cancer program of which I'm now a part of, a program for middle-aged women without health insurance, a program that will save my life.

I'm afraid of those words -- breast cancer -- but I have my family, my friends, and the new man in my life who will help me through what's coming. And from what I hear, I will be well taken care of by the doctors at Moffit Cancer Center, which is my next step in this challenging journey.

I don't have much information other than I have ductal carcinoma. The more comprehensive details will come from the testing done at Moffit. And so I wait, wondering what's going on in my body. Is it growing still, this cancer which became a lump that wouldn't go away? Is it spreading its wings, ravenous for juicier territory or does it still quietly, confined to one milk duct, like a constipated poison?

Sometimes I forget that I have this cancer in my body. Sometimes I am just the me I was before the words - you have breast cancer - were spoken to me on August 3rd by a midwife in a county clinic full of children awaiting shots they need for school. And then I suddenly remember:  I am a different person, a person whose simple plans for the next year -- grad school and a move to a new house -- are complicated by a war within my left breast. I haven't cried much. I don't know why, other than the fact that I have decided to face this totally unexpected occurrence in my life with the strength and spirit of a Marine. I learned this from the new man in my life, an ex-Marine (although there truly is no such thing as an ex-Marine) with two tours of Vietnam carved into his life experiences.

So, I live my life one day at a time and I have fun, even though I am shadowed by darkness. The story will continue, the life will continue, I will continue.