Maybe I Shouldn't Write This

I'm looking for a job. I retired from the Hillsborough County library system last August, but I'm missing an essential ingredient for life -- money, especially now that everything costs so much more than it did even last year.

Searching for a job is stressful and depressing. There are plenty of jobs out there, but almost every company works on a fast-paced basis (why?) and you almost always need at least 6 months and usually years of experience (especially copywriters). I check out all sorts of jobs, but I don't have this, I don't have that, I can't do this, I can't do that, and--my favorite--I have-no-idea-what-you're-talking-about-requirements. A few of the tutor/writer contractor-for-hire positions I have been able to qualify for offer low pay and by the time the 15.3% self-employment tax is added to my income tax, I wind up making about $10/hour if I'm lucky. And I just saw an article that says a person needs to make $85k annually to be able to afford a decent apartment in Hillsborough County. Seriously? 

I'm feeling like an extremely useless human being. The remote tutor or writing jobs come with so much technology that it's like I'm falling down a rabbit hole and I can't see the light of the sun. It makes me feel like I'm back on chemo and my brain is melting. About the only job I saw that I could have qualified for was a dishwasher in a pizza restaurant. Other jobs involve heavy lifting or early morning shifts (I'm a night owl) or something else like that. (I'm trying to type this and I can barely get a few words out without mistakes.) There are days I wonder why I was born. What do I contribute to this world, other than feeding stray cats, my owned cats, and my dog? They appreciate me, but the rest of the world? 

And now my huge graduate school loan is coming back soon. I fantasize about putting my animals in the Humane Society, getting rid of most my stuff, selling my house, trading my car in for a van, and just taking off, address unknown. Changing my name, becoming more anonymous than I already am. And then I think -- what's the point of that? I'm still breathing, taking up space on this over-populated planet. I'm just a somewhat poet and creative writer and doodler, and who needs that? 

I know I sound like a whiner and I know people have it much harder than I do (like the homeless and the war-displaced) but I'm exhausted. I'm thinking I need to find my own path. Forget all this searching for jobs I don't qualify for. Just go down a road of my own making. But what does that mean exactly? And how and where do I do that while still needing money for life essentials like food?

I know I should end this on a positive note. When I find one, I will.