Illumination

Well, I've been doing some thinking. I read this short article about getting in touch with the inner self to understand who you are and why you are here. There are four steps: connect, listen, trust, and act. I'm stuck on the "connect." My inner self is so buried in the muck of my ego that I can't seem to find it, so I decided to pare down the muck. I gave up most of my dreams. Because these dreams are fantasies, and I don't make the kind of money to make these dreams come true. You may be wondering what are these impossible dreams. Well, I've always wanted to see Antarctica, but the last time I checked out the cost it was in the mid-thousands. I really want to see K2 in the Karakoram Range on the border of Pakistan and China. There are companies that will take you there, but that costs thousands of dollars, almost a month away from your "real" life, and a good physical condition because it's a long, treacherous hike to the mountain. I would like to see Hong Kong, but again, that's expensive. I always wanted to live in a two-story house on the waterfront and surrounded by woods somewhere up in the Pacific Northwest or in northern California, but you know that a nice waterfront home is at least $800,000-$1 million. Yeah, sure, put in on layaway. I might be able to move in in the year 4050.

It's kind of liberating to let these dreams go. They are never going to happen, unless I win mega-bucks in the lottery or marry a multimillionaire. Yeah, this is simplistic, but coming from down here living in a bug-infested villa, listening to the neighbors' dogs bark all day, trying to dry clothes in a dryer that wishes it was retired, being bombarded day and night by the loud, tortuous noises coming from the refrigerator, and driving a 19-year-old car with a temperamental transmission -- yeah, these dreams are too far away from where I am now, and where I've been for the past few decades. So, this is my life. I'm telling myself to get real and to stop living in lalaland. And I have to say, while reality kind of sucks, fantasyworld was self-defeating, hurtful, and just plain stupid. I know all about the positive sayings -- you can do anything you set your mind to; if you can dream it, you can make it come true; you have the power to make your life the way you want it to be, etc. etc. etc. Well, some of us don't know how to do that. Some of us just can't connect to wherever those sayings are coming from. Some of us keep walking into a blank wall that won't crack or come down. Maybe some of us are just stupid. I don't know. All I know is I have to go to work now so I can pay the rent on my bug-infested villa.