Frustration City

I'm participating in a Mindful Stress Reduction study for cancer survivors and I have homework which entails meditating and being aware of my life's events during the day/night - not just being simply aware, but being really in the now, experiencing, feeling, listening to all the nuances of what is going on. This past week, however, I would gladly have spent drunk, oblivious, out-of-it because the now was too stressful (grad school, ailing computer, aging dog, raging heat, bad cats). But, as the intrepid life traveler that I am, I carry on, drunk - no, frustrated - yes, angry - yes, but I still place one foot in front of the other and I keep on walking forward. But sometimes I just don't want to be the 'good' responsible girl anymore. Sometimes I just want to take what money I have, get in my car, and go. Just go. Run away. Far away. Change my name. Become someone else, someone who perhaps smokes, drives too fast, eats french fries every day, lives in a one-room garage apartment, works at a simple no-brainer job, watches reality TV and soap operas, drinks beer and gets drunk every weekend. I don't know what it is but there's something inside me that would never let that happen. Damn.